This time of year I seem to be reflecting and thinking back to last year at this same time. I look through my blog at the month of May and April for 2015 and it makes my heart hurt, especially to see Pop, he was dying this time last year. Right now I just want to hug him and walk away knowing that I hugged him because I would smell like his after-shave. I want to chat with him and ask him how to prune my lemon tree that is going crazy in the back yard. I want to have him teach me to sharpen my kitchen knives. I want him to show me again how to cut a whole chicken. I want to ask him to share with me again about his chicken business he had growing up. I want to hear the stories of Vietnam that he shared before. I want have him recite the “CAW CAW cried the crow” poem for Luke. I want him to help me find new chickens. I want to ride with him to green thumb. I just want to talk to him about anything, just to hear his voice. I miss him so much!
I remember it being a very tense time last year. It was a hard trial that God was walking us through. We had a few other issues going on at the same time so it just made things ever more difficult. We knew at this time last year, the days were drawing to an end for him on this earth. I remember being in a fog it seemed. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that I wouldn’t be seeing him around anymore. It was hard to help my kids through those really hard days, especially when I didn’t even know how to deal with grief myself. Some of my kids took it especially hard and showed signs of anger more than sadness. I feel like some days are harder than others and your heart just aches for the one that is not here anymore.
I remember feeling a sense of URGENCY the night of May 5th last year. My mom and I stayed out of Bible study to go see Pop. It was a Monday night. He wasn’t doing well. However, he did tell me specifically that he wanted to “hear my speech”. I didn’t realize at the time what he was meaning by that comment. I quickly “got it ” though. I knew what my dad meant! I knew what he was thinking. He knew he was going home to Jesus but he wanted to hear what I would share at his memorial!! I left that night after Pop said “I love you too”. I felt like it was urgent that I write down what I wanted to share with him. The next morning I went to Pop and shared with him. I thought it wasn’t going to work because right before I got in there Levi said that Pop wasn’t alert and not doing good. When I walked in though he was awake and so I told him to listen that I had something to share with him. Tears started flooding from Pop. He cried as he looked at me as I shared. I finished and he said THANK YOU, THANK YOU. It was clear and I heard him tell me that. Ya see Pop hadn’t been talking and saying much at all so it was huge to hear him respond! We talked some, or rather I talked a little more with him and then he asked me to read it again. I wasn’t sure about that but I did as he asked. I read and the tears came again. At one point the nurse came in and was trying to get him to drink and he spoke up kinda loudly (didn’t happen during those days with Pop) and said “We are doing something here”. Kinda said it in a way of like “leave us alone”. I continued to read. It ended and he was just looking at me. I shared lots of I LOVE YOU’S.
“I can’t wait”. Hearing that brought tears to my eyes. Tears of joy and tears of sadness. I knew Pop was ready to meet Jesus face to face. Pop said “glory glory” a few times when we talked of heaven. We talked of the great things and all the people that are in heaven that he knows and loves. When we were talking of heaven he mentioned that he wanted to see everyone, he wanted to see everybody there that was in heaven. Mom and I cried. I know we shed some selfish tears too because we hated the thought of not having Pop with us, but we knew he was going to see Jesus. I don’t think he said much more at all after that day. Very little. 6 days after (May 11th) I got the chance to talk to Pop he met Jesus. Mom, Peter, myself, Hope, Levi (and we had Lacey & faith on the speaker phone) were all there when he went home. He had wanted it that way, us all there, sharing stories and being together.
As I think back to that night when we all gathered in that room (May 11th), watching him die, I’m reminded of how short life here on earth is. Its so hard sometimes for us to wrap our head around that fact! We can get so caught up in this life and push what really matters to the side. I think this year has caused me to think more heavenly than ever before. I often wonder what it will be like, what my dad is doing in heaven and when is my time? Thinking of my earthly purpose as well. Thinking of those that I come in contact with, those in my family and friends who still need to KNOW the Lord. Really KNOW and have a saving relationship with Him. Praying for those in our life that need to know the Lord will know him. Our time is short in this world and the decisions we make are important! While I do still miss Pop as I mentioned in the beginning, I know I get to see him again, I take comfort in that fact. I also know that my Savior is coming soon and I pray that we are all READY for Him!
“Jesus is coming soon, like a Bride waiting for her groom, we’ll be a church ready for you”
