This anniversary rolls around every year and causes me to pause, be thankful and ponder this life.  I was going through baby clothes yesterday (happened to be the anniversary of when Gideon had that first seizure 6 years ago)…. In the container of clothes, there lie the sleeper that he wore on that day. I remember holding him LIMP as a noodle in my arms and freaking out wondering what in the world was going on!!  When you are in that moment you just can’t do much but cry out to Him.

He was medicated for years trying to train the brain NOT to go into seizures.   A year and one day later after the first one we dealt with Gideon’s last seizure (praying it was the last one) that lasted 4 minutes!  We spent a lot of time praying and leaning upon the Lord during this time.  It was hard! Gideon Josiah was a great warrior and pulled through these tough years.  He’s still plugging away!

We spent months and years trying to figure out why this happened?  Why did Gideon have to go through multiple seizures that affected him so much?  I do believe that Gideon’s seizures are a result of the vaccines he had.  The timeline is just just not coincidence in my opinion! His Dr. at the time would not agree with me but I do believe deep in his heart he knew!! He couldn’t look at that timeline and answer my questions!  However, this isn’t about vaccines! This is about looking at the big picture and seeing how God placed His hands upon the entire situation.  How God brings about good in everything for those who love Him.  How He grows us and carries us so we can lean and depend on Him.

Mom asked me yesterday “Ever wonder how Gideon would be had he never been through the seizures”.  Of course that runs through my mind a lot.  Recently what has come to my mind is the big picture.  Our church is reading through the Bible this year.  We’ve been going through the story of Joseph.  Have you ever looked at that story and seen the big picture?  All that Joseph had to go through to get to a place that God could use Him.  He kinda thought He was “all that” since he was his father’s favorite! Then he was thrown in the pit, sold and went through a lot to get to the place in higher power all in order to end up helping his family in the end.  God had to get Joseph in a humble state in order to work things out.  God has to do that with us too.  We have to be teachable, moldable and able to be made what He wants.

I can’t help but look at Gideon’s life and all he had to go through, was to help us be where we are today!  Had Gideon never gone through seizures, we most likely would still vaccinate and most likely all the kids would be in public school (ya see they don’t allow your kids to go to public school if they aren’t vaccinated and there is NO one that can convince me to do that to Gideon especially, and after what we’ve learned we don’t do for any of the kids).  

God knows ME though.  He knows I’m stubborn.   He knew I needed a big huge PUSH to homeschool! I feel pretty confident that a huge PUSH for me was Gideon and the fact that he couldn’t GO to school without those shots.  God has worked on me so much the last couple years in having my kids home.  Its been an amazing adventure and its been fun to see how God is using this time to bring us all closer together.  God has used some pretty amazing people/mentors to make me realize the importance of letting go and giving God the control, stepping back and allowing Him to lead and direct our days.  Something that has often been difficult for me is giving up that control (or the thought of me having it, HA).

Its been amazing seeing how relationships have grown in our home, how kids are learning responsibility, how much they learn just by being kids through play and not having to spend HOURS away from home sitting in a class.  I get to have more margin in the day to spend with each of my kids.  I’m striving to be more diligent in listening to what God wants or being more observant in what He might be asking of me regarding our days and how we spend our time.  Realizing what is most important and what things I can toss to the side for a time.

I still struggle, everyday really.  Still growing and striving to please Him.  God is still stretching me, always.  This life is all about Him, giving Him glory, and seeing how we can better respond to what He tugs on our hearts to do or not do.  I’m always asking… how can I simplify in order to make Him more front and center, how can this day be better at bringing Him glory?

God will always use things to grow us.  As I look at this bigger picture (that is still growing)…. I can see how its coming together.  I can see how God used those HARD SCARY times to end up working out for good.  I can see how God actually used Gideon and all he went through to bring us closer to the Lord overall.