I’ve been really down lately! Just plain out tired! Gideon has been doing this strange thing at night for like 3 weeks.  He wakes, but doesn’t go back to sleep.  In fact he wakes and screams sometimes.  Sometimes he will nurse, other times he won’t.  Sometimes we have to put him in the swing with the baby channel on so he will drift back to sleep.  I haven’t felt comfortable about letting him “cry it out” since I just don’t know if he is having little seizure “blips” as they call them or not? It is so hard when you just don’t know! NO ONE KNOWS either! We moved him to his crib, but Luke is in there and so that makes it hard to let him cry for some time too.  Then Thursday he had that full out seizure that lasted close to three minutes. Is all this waking the past weeks been something to lead up to this seizure? Again…. all unknowns!  Unknowns are hard for me! I hate them.  I’m a gal that likes to have a plan and know what is going on.  I can’t stand not knowing.  And its especially hard when your baby is suffering from something that you have no control over! I can’t stop it! I don’t know what to do a lot of the time!

So, we are living life on little sleep and still wondering what is making Gideon seize.  Brian has been helping some as he gets up with Gideon when he won’t nurse back to sleep and sleep on the couch while he is in the swing.  Love my hubby.  He’s the best! (that’s a whole other post)  I’m not good about getting back to sleep once I’m awake and worried about my baby.  Again thinking about unknowns and worry. 

I’m seriously getting by on HIS strength.  Some days I just feel like I loose it.  I loose my patience.  I get angry and upset with my kids.  I have to apologize so much to them for loosing it!  Millions of thoughts run through my mind and I feel like I’m going to explode at times. Life seems so overwhelming when you are living on little sleep!

This evening as I sit here in the quite while Brian took the boys outside to play I’m realizing more than ever that I have a job to do.  I have been given the awesome responsibility to take care of these boys that have been given (on loan) to us from the Lord.  How then can I be the kind of Mother HE wants me to be?!

I need to give up on the fact that I just can’t KNOW everything.  I think this seizure condition with Gideon is a way He is teaching me this.  There is no way that I can figure it out.  My goodness the neurologist who is HIGHLY recommended doesn’t even know?!  I have to TRUST in the God that gave us Gideon, that He knows and He is with little Gideon and will guide and help us as we hike through this trail of the unknown with him.  I have to give it up to Him.  I have to have Faith and not worry.  When I start to worry and stress, I need to give it to Him in prayer!  Lay it at His feet, let Him take care of it!  I can’t go through life letting these unknowns get me down, stressed, worried, and affect everything else in life. 

As far as getting through life on little sleep…….. well, I too will have to draw strength from Him and pray we get some more sleep! I need to buck up, get it together, keep Jesus at the forefront of my mind and go through life living it for Him and let my light shine.  Train up my boys to know and love Him.  Seek their forgiveness and love them like Jesus does!

It is so hard sometimes to do the right thing and let things go! We have to though.  God knows the unknowns.  He knows my heart too and I love Him!

One thing I do KNOW is that I can have peace living this life KNOWING HE HOLDS me and my family in HIS HANDS!